Communication. Always a good subject for consideration.  Some people are good at it, most are not all that good, some are really bad.  There is a simple explanation that accounts for most of the problems people experience with communication.

Oh, I know – experts hold seminars and trainings.  Ted talks and YouTube videos are created.  All in the name of improving our communication.  While it is true that improvement in this area is important, it is my contention that the basic solution is straightforward.  However, practicing it may take a lot of effort and dedication.

So, what is this solution of which I speak?  In one word, LISTENING.  Human beings spend a lot of time hearing words other people are saying – but not taking them in or considering them.  It is my opinion that the major reason we do not listen well is that we are too busy thinking about what our reply or response will be.  We are not fully engaged with the content, feelings, or idea the other person is trying to convey.  This leads to assumptions, missing cues, and misunderstanding at times.  Try an honest experiment with yourself. Next time you engage with another in conversation – check in with yourself and decide if you are truly focused on what they are sharing (but not while they are actually speaking).  Are you contemplating what advice to give, or what to share about your own experiences?  Or are you thinking about what you must do next? In your mind, are you discounting what the person is saying because of some assumption you are making?

I do believe that, often, the lack of focus is innocent and maybe even due to a desire to help.  As I mentioned above, often we are trying to come up with a solution to the persons issue or we are convinced that sharing an experience of our own might help. There is nothing wrong with either of these.  It only becomes a problem when you are preparing these things in your mind while the person is still speaking. (Maybe, just maybe, the person doesn’t want a solution.  Maybe they just want to be heard and acknowledged).

There is a reaction in not listening that is automatically a problem by its nature.  That is that we dismiss in our mind what someone is saying and cease to listen.  We might do that for any number of reasons.  We do not like them, we are angry at them, they are too young or too old, or any other number of reasons we have for being prejudiced.  This particular process may require the hard of listening person to take accountability for their own issues in order to improve communication with certain people.

Listening effectively is not always easy.  It takes self-awareness.  There are skills that one can learn to ensure that they are listening. It may be a simple solution; but the application may be challenging. 

Here are some of the potential positive results of improving your listening:  you will be an infinite better communicator, there will be fewer difficulties caused by your making assumptions about the other person and acting on them and consider for a moment how it would feel for you to be fully listened to.  That is a meaningful gift that you can give another person. A definite win-win. 

As human beings, to feel fully accepted and fully loved involves feeling fully known.  What better way to feel known and to know another, than by fully listening?

Happy New Year

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The views and opinions expressed in this article are those solely of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the Center for Pastoral Counseling of Virginia.

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