“How long will I be in counseling?”  

This is a question that is often asked when someone is starting in therapy.  It is a tough one to answer. The short answer is that it is different for every person.  The long answer has to do with various factors such as commitment, support, time, and depth of a problem, amongst other things. I have often found that the initially identified problem that brings someone in for counseling is just scratching the surface or rather a symptom of something deeper.  This may sound scary or discouraging, but there is hope. Please, read on.

Healing is at the core

Many clients know there is something deeper to explore.  That is the place where lasting healing and change happen.  This then triggers more questions. “What will I discover if I begin to delve deeper into this unknown?” “If I find something really scary it just might do me in!” These are common concerns.  What I can say is that effective counseling involves a process. We don’t try to delve into the depths immediately. We gradually peel back the layers at a pace that is comfortable and safe for each person. While insights in therapy happen all the time, they  usually arrive as pieces of the larger puzzle. Rarely do people unearth something so grand in one moment that it provides the answer to all their problems. This is a good thing… Truly. We learn better and change more effectively when we, as the saying goes, “swallow the elephant one bite at a time.”  The American Psychological Association (APA) states, in an article called Making Lifestyle Changes that Last, that change is more of an evolution rather than a resolution.  (http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/lifestyle-changes.aspx)

Resolutions

We’ve all likely tried to make New Year resolutions, such as to quit smoking, lose weight, or integrate a regular exercise routine.  Many of us have also had the experience that these resolutions quickly fade out. Why? Our expectations of quick change set us up for failure.  These expectations don’t necessarily take into account that there may be steps, pieces, or layers to making lasting change. People entering therapy, especially for the first time, can often fall for this false expectation.  Some even quit therapy because they get discouraged that change isn’t happening fast enough or that it doesn’t stick in the long term.

How do we make it stick?

As the therapist, it is important to help people reframe their expectations so that they have a more realistic sense of how successful therapy works. It is very important to help people recognize the “small” victories.  Sometimes we don’t see small steps as victories. In reality, these small successes provide the building blocks to lasting and deep change. Consider a baby. When born, babies are completely dependent on their caregiver.  They can’t even lift their heads. Do we expect that they will go from that state to leaping up and walking? Certainly not. There are many steps in between. Once the neck muscles develop babies can hold their heads more steadily, eventually props up on their arms while on their belly, rolls over from belly to back and eventually to belly again, reach and grab for things, sit assisted and eventually unassisted, scooting, crawling, cruising while holding furniture, take one step, then two, and eventually walk.  It is truly a process, a journey, and a miracle. I would argue that we are designed to learn through process, not solely by reaching the destination. There are many famous quotes to this effect from many wise people who must have figured this out along the way.

Do the difficult things while they are easy and do the great things while they are small. A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. – Lao Tzu

Life is a journey, not a destination.  Ralph Waldo Emerson

Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase. Martin Luther King Jr.

These may sound cliché, but I encourage people to explore the possibility that there is truth in them.  

How do I do this?

In the same APA article, they suggest the following:

1. Make a plan that will stick.
2. Start small
3. Change one behavior at a time
4. Involve a buddy
5. Ask for support

These are all steps we incorporate in the counseling process.  Your therapist can help you make a realistic plan, recognize important steps along the way, encourage you when you take a new step of success, help you identify the “buddies” that will help along the way, and make sure you have support , such as from a professional,  for the journey.

If you are looking for lasting change and think that therapy might help, please contact us at the Center for Pastoral Counseling.  Myself and our many caring therapists are ready to journey with you.

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